Citizen Chris: I say white coffee, you say Americano

Aug 18 2008 By Chris Donkin

The revolution is over. With barely a whimper of resistance all of our high streets have been invaded by the flags of green, red and blue – that's Starbucks, Costa and Nero.

Oddly, Coffee Republic seem to have fallen behind, perhaps the suggestion of democracy and choice put off the cafe-frequenting sheep who can't walk 100 yards without deciding they need a frappe latte with a cherry on top.

All of the chains are as bad as each other with no individuality at all. Go into any of these coffee houses and you could be anywhere, not only in London, but in the whole country. They attempt to make them look more continental with their imitation masterpieces on the walls and sofas which look pretty comfy, until you sit on them that is.

I'm not entirely sure which part of Italy the name Starbucks originates from, but it must have some deep-set roots as they don't seem to have the ability to translate a 'white coffee' into anything except an 'Americano'.

Should you make the mistake of asking for one of these 'white coffees' from your baristar (the people who make the coffee, not the person defending you in court after you lose the plot and start recommending where the staff could shove their caramel shots) you'll be patronisingly asked if you mean a Latte, Americano au lait, Cappuccino or any number of slight variations on a coffee with milk in.

As if that wasn't enough pretentious options you then get asked 'what size?' make the error of saying small, medium or large and you'll get the response "Tall, Grande, Vente"  Tall sounds big, but it's not really. Why isn't small or large enough? I don't expect to be left looking like a rabbit in the headlights when I just want to buy a drink!

When you've finally ordered your coffee you'll be charged over two quid for the privilege and almost as much if you get a tea. Presumably they are boiling very expensive mineral water to dip your tea bag in, otherwise it's hard to justify the price for something which costs under 10p to make.

If you think you've been ripped off enough for your posh drinks, you'd better hope your not hungry otherwise you'll have to take out a bank loan to buy a muffin or a panini.

With such little choice I occasionally end up in one of these places choking on my frappe, listening to a cheap jazz compilation wishing I was in somewhere called 'Bacon Banjo' instead.

Where did all the proper cafe's go? All I want is a drink costing under 80p served in a polystyrene cup (take away) or chipped mug (drink in) with the food options of something cooked on a grill or in lard with the choice of a scone for desert. Is that too much to ask?